Sophie’s Surrender

By Sophie Gray

The truth is, I had wanted it. Dreamt of it. Profoundly craved it.

Asked for it.

“You’ve been asking for this, little girl”

“Come here.” The command was gentle, but held resolve.

My feet moved me timidly to stand between your knees, my eyes lowered. Somewhere between over there and right here, my want had dissolved into uncertainty.

Over there, it was just a thought. A hunger. To be taken to that blissful place beyond tears. To be taken there by you, even if it meant going against my will.

Right here, it was being given to me. My eyes were lowered, but I raised them momentarily to yours to seek my reassurance.

And your eyes communicated back. It was okay, and I was ready.

“Over my knee, Baby”

“Yes, Daddy”

I lowered myself, and you took the time to arrange me. You immobilized my upper body, holding my right arm tightly to my side, your own arm pressing into my back. With your right leg, you raised my feet off the floor, supporting them.

Any possible movement of my body was now in your control, and I relaxed with that knowledge.

I knew there would be no warmup, but I waited for the warm touch of your hand. Instead, I felt the cold surface of the wooden hairbrush, and the first flurry of smacks left me breathless.

With the return of my breath came an urgent need to escape, and I struggled ruthlessly over your lap, bucking and twisting.

“Hold still” you warned, and I quieted, waiting for more of your voice.

It didn’t come. You were silent, and relentless, as you switched from wooden hairbrush to heavy wooden paddle.

The screaming came from inside my head, but outside, I pled with you, “Please, Daddy, please, I need a break, just a small break…”

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t do this”

But I could, and you knew it, too.

After a while, you pulled me up, and my breathing was labored, my face red with exertion. You surveyed me, and made a decision.

Not yet.

“I know you need this. It’s okay, baby. Back over”

And back over I went, for more breathtaking strikes of the paddle.

Inside, I processed the remarkable pain, but mixing into it was the euphoria that came from being little and powerless. I could trust you to take that side of me and protect it. Cherish it.

That comfort overpowered the fear, and that’s when I broke down and sobbed over your knee.

You had stopped without me realizing it, and you were rubbing my lower back.

Lifting my head slightly, I stared at the blankets on the bed and wiped at my eyes, bringing myself a little closer to reality.

“Thank you, Daddy”